I tell myself that as long as I keep pushing myself as a maker, someone will come along and give me the stamp of approval thus giving me the right to be a “real” artist, writer, poet, mother, and person.
Working with the primary purpose of garnering arbitrary favor of someone or something that will give me permission to do this work is toxic. It creeps into and yet I do it still. I crave it.
I painted and drew for the better part of three decades without sharing anything. I kept journals and sketch books and blogs no one read because I had all of this inside me but was so afraid to let anyone see it.
I hit 30 and decided that hiding myself was so 90’s and started sharing what I make. It is both exhilarating and terrifying. It was so much safer when I created things in secret. Sure I was stifled creatively but at least the only person judging me was myself. Putting myself out there makes me feel like the awkward girl in the back of the class again. I want to belong but it’s scary and they might not like me.
How do I get to the point when I can validate myself… to feel that I have a right to breath this air and exist in this creative space because I say so?
still working on it.